If you arenít an experienced lover, or a confident one, itís entirely possible
that you are avoiding sexual activity because of fear of rejection or fear of
This is quite understandable, because it is when we are a sexual relationship
that we lay our souls most vulnerable to other people, and for those who have
been wounded in childhood the pain of exposing themselves and being hurt can
be so great that they avoid intimate relationships.
Nonetheless, it also entirely true that the human being is a social animal and
to feel complete needs social connection with other humans.
At its most profound, a relationship can provide a sense of purpose and
belonging in the world which is essential for mental health.
It is also true that for relationships be entirely successful, the sexual
aspect of intimacy must be functioning to the satisfaction of both members of
Itís ironic, therefore, that there is no way that a relationship can be more
challenging than on the sexual front: the potential for difficulty is immense,
with men subject to difficulties such as premature ejaculation, erectile
dysfunction, and worries about sexual performance, and with women experiencing
self-doubt around their bodies, possibly low sexual drive, and often a lack of
There is however a cure for each of these difficulties: for men who want
to last longer during sex, training programs are available, just as they are
for women who want to become orgasmic.
My advice would be to get help with any
sexual difficulties that you may be experiencing so that these do not
interfere with the formation of a long-term relationship.
Get help if you are having sexual problems
The reality is that any couple who live together will experience sexual
problems from time to time.
The cause of these can be one of any number of problems such as illness, a
breakdown in communication, a loss of interest in sex due to life events such
as stress or giving birth, or an accumulation of resentments in the
In any of these situations, problems begin to escalate very rapidly. When
either one or both of the partners in an intimate relationship have sexual
problems, it is good to get help.
That means if they have reduced sexual desire, or they are experiencing some
challenges in becoming physically aroused, or they are having problems with
rapid ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or non-existent orgasms. Such problems
rarely improve of their own accord.
In some cases they made actually be a physical reason for the development
sexual dysfunction, the doctor can help: but there are also many sexual
problems that are entirely due to emotional or psychological issues, and in
these situations there is usually a combination of factors at work.
Itís also important to remember that sexual relationship is a very good
indicator of the state of the couples wider relationship, which means that
when there are sexual difficulties there are often difficulties in the
relationship in nonsexual areas.
One clear example of this is when people find that their desire has decreased:
this is often caused by unspoken anger, sense of resentment, or a sheer loss
of intimacy between the two individuals.
Strangely enough, lowered sexual interest has a devastating effect on a
relationship, you would think that people would get help for it. The reality
is rather different Ė it is often the most secret part of any relationship,
and one which people are extremely reluctant to admit to.
Only when these deep feelings have been expressed in some kind of therapeutic
process has been applied that will resolve them with a couple find that there
intimate erotic connection has been re-established.
Even so, itís important to remember that loss of desire may be due to
something such as withdrawal from prescription drugs, or use of prescription
drugs, or bereavement, stress, or overwork.
Video: Kegels Fix Premature Ejaculation
Sexual Desire and Sexual Compatibly
The woman whose manís sexual desire
is somewhat above her own will, in most cases, find no great difficulty in
accommodating him, provided
he is able to make
his woman come during sex.
the man or woman begins to feel the
burden of meeting the other's needs, it is a sign that over-indulgence has already begun and
it is time to arrive at a mutual understanding of the limits which should be
Whatever the sexual regime may be that will ultimately prove to be the best adapted to
the needs and desires of both partners, moderation is desirable in the early
weeks, or until the womanís sexual desires have been
This may require self-restraint
on the part of the husband but it is important. You see, a man needs to know how
to pleasure a woman well - or he may find his relationship is not living up to
its initial promise - particularly around frequency of sexual intercourse!
Not a few men fall into the notion
that every manifestation of sexual impulse that arises spontaneously, must be,
or has the right to be gratified. But, really, must every erection occurring at
night, for example, be made the occasion for waking the wife out of a sound
sleep one or more times for lovemaking?
Human nature has its limits and the limit is
most certain to be reached here. . . . Men should know that erections occurring
spontaneously are mostly due to reflex stimulation from a full bladder and not
from sex tension. You can find out more about sexual pleasuring and how to
please women in bed. If you are more interested in finding out how to have a
how to be a "badass", then I guess this might be the place
for you to look.
Some women have sexual needs which exceed these of their men, and during times of
greater arousal the man may be called upon for more sexual activity
than he would ideally choose!
While such sexual accommodation may be
gladly given as an evidence of love, it is a bit different from those
occasions when the desire for intercourse is strictly mutual. On such an
occasion the husband, or in the reverse situation, the wife, must be as
spontaneous as possible and play the part of the good lover.
Their findings have been surprisingly uniform, and
they cover several thousand marriages over a considerable number of years. They show a variation in frequency all the way
from those whom Pearl calls ďsexual athletes,Ē indulging regularly once or more
a day, to others who indulge only once or twice a year.
Probably the most helpful indication of what might
be a reasonable degree of frequency for ordinary couples is to indicate the
range within which most couples are included. This shows that for couples
between twenty and forty years of age the average frequency of sexual activity is about twelve times a month,
or once every
second or third day. This average includes some who regularly run as high as
once a day or oftener, and others who indulge not more than once a week.
A check on the degree of frequency
in happy and unhappy marriages shows little difference between the two, leading
to the conclusion that frequency, in itself, is of no particular significance
one way or the other.
couples, where the wife has rather distinct periods of sexual desire, prefer to
have several occasions within a few days during a period of natural interest,
and then an interval of rest until the next such period.
It is seldom wise to build up any
sort of a mathematical regularity or definite expectancy lest sexual intercourse
degenerate into an unromantic and habitual procedure devoid of all the elements
of play and pleasant surprise.
one study of a thousand married women, thirty-five per cent stated that their
frequency of desire equaled or surpassed that of their husbandsí, and about
sixty-five per cent that their husbandsí exceeded their own.
If the activity of one partnerís
glands is such that desire appears with a high degree of frequency, as compared
with the otherís frequency of desire, some sympathetic understanding must be
reached, or each partner is apt to consider the other unreasonable.
Whatever plan a couple agrees upon regarding
frequency should be a mutual plan. Neither partner has any rights in the matter
that are more important than the will and pleasure of the other.
Any such idea of sexual principles
is unacceptable in the current approach to marriage based upon equality and affection.
For healthy people sexual
cooperation and mutual gratification is an accepted part of the marriage
Some women are clearly aware of a rhythm of sexual
while others seem to be unaware of any such period
and are as ready and willing for intercourse at one time as another. If a
man or woman does have such definite periods it would seem wise to take these
In Davisí study, as in certain
others, it appears that for many women there is a period of natural sexual
desire during the days just preceding and just
following the menstrual period. Other things being equal, it would
seem advisable to take recognition of these natural crests of desire.
However, the occasional practice of
abstinence helps to make the renewal of sexual
relations all the more agreeable.
No system of any sort will be automatic and
self-enforcing. It takes character, self-control, and patience to build up and
maintain the habits and attitudes which make for happiness in marriage.
Over-indulgence in sex can sometimes exact a heavy toll:
weariness, lack of enthusiasm, lack of desire, and lack of energy.