What does sex actually mean to you and your partner? Which of you has the greater desire to please the other in bed? Do you see sex as something for your pleasure alone or something which can give satisfaction to both of you? Do you feel motivated to pleasure your woman before you take pleasure yourself?
Here are some thoughts which may make the answers to these difficult questions easier to find.
Women draw a huge distinction between "making love" and "having sex": love involves romance, intimacy, tenderness, and feeling appreciated and loved. Sex involves physical relief and sensual pleasure in bed, and hopefully the pleasure of orgasm.
For you, as a man, the terms "making love" and "having sex" are probably interchangeable, but they may not be for your female partner.
If you feel frustrated by her need for romance, keep in mind that she may be equally frustrated by your need for the pure physicality of sex. Above all, tell her after you've enjoyed her body how much the experience meant to you, how much you care for her, and how much you love her.
You may want her to be more exciting and adventurous in bed. If so, you need to encourage her to find a more open and physical expression of her sexuality. Every woman has a wild goddess in them, but sometimes it takes a bit of finding!
Finally, what about sexual fantasies? Well, it's a delicate area, if only because some of our fantasies are shocking to our partners, and certainly they'd be challenging to act out.
Against this background, you need to be tactful about how much you reveal about your fantasies. For one thing most fantasies are better left as fantasies; if you feel that you want to share them, or act them out, then tact and discretion are the watchwords.
Move slowly in revealing, or in encouraging your partner to reveal, the nature of your fantasies. It's probably better to simply talk about fantasies than act them out. However, if you're both happy with the idea of fleshing them out, move slowly here. Take a step at a time, and be ready to stop whenever either of you feels uncomfortable.
It's a huge area of trust: to reveal these things to your partner takes courage, so they should be treated with respect. I remember the first time I revealed a fantasy to partner who then laughed about the content. This was so shaming that it significantly destroyed my trust in her, and with it my desire to open up to her again.
You might want to buy Nancy Friday's accounts of women's fantasies: they put into perspective the fact that women have just as a wild a time inside their minds as men do!
If you like porn, be careful about sharing it with your partner. Much porn is abusive and denigrating of women, and often expresses men's repressed anger or rage towards women. Having said that, there are some websites which are more tasteful than others, and you should search these out if you really feel you must share porn with your partner.
In my opinion, it's much better and healthier to wean yourself off porn and to engage in real sex with real people. That way you face the real challenges of a genuine relationship in the real world. You also avoid the guilt, shame or self disgust that tends to develop after you've obtained physical release using porn.
Your woman may believe that a man who uses porn, or even a man who masturbates, while he's in relationship with her can't possibly find her attractive. It's a big sticking point. Yet, as a man I know that's usually untrue. We all have the need for quick, simple physical release, so, from time to time, we all enjoy a session of self-pleasuring with "no strings attached".
Try and understand that women don't see it that way: they feel excluded. In fact, some women feel so threatened by this that it will be impossible to reassure them. If you're with one of them, you can at least try telling her that this has nothing whatever to do with her and it does not in any way reflect how you feel about her.
Above all, be compassionate and understanding, don't get angry and defensive, and keep on reassuring her how much you appreciate and love her. Open and honest communication are essential for breaking down such barriers.
Many of us men like to think that we have a deft technique in bed. However, the sad reality (as reported by women themselves) is that many of us are actually rather inadequate as lovers. The vast majority of us fail to take account of our lover's needs, if not all the time, at least occasionally.
We are programmed to lead during sex. So even with a woman who needs encouragement to develop her sexuality and sexual responses we tend to move too fast. We don't take account of what she needs to get pleasure out of the sexual experience.
A crucial thing for most women is to know that the man she's with is not judging her.
Common female problems include embarrassment about her genitals, perhaps even shame about them. What she needs from you is reassurance about how attractive you find that part of her body. Tell her how the smell, the taste, the look, and the feel of her genitals turns you on, how exciting you find her body, and how you love exploring it.
Women, as we've already seen, need lots of reassurance on a fairly regular basis. Nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom when the lights are on and the clothes are off.
I've already referred to the importance of non-judgment in relationships. Nowhere is this more true than in the area of sexuality.
Mutual support includes gentle encouragement, compassion, understanding, and tolerance. It doesn't include putting somebody down for what they do in the bedroom, for their sexual tastes, for their attempts to make sex enjoyable for you, or for their inability to reach orgasm on demand.
OK guys, just in case you’ve been watching too much porn and you’ve forgotten how real sex happens, here’s a checklist of 10 of the worst things you can do in bed (and sometimes out of it) with a woman…..
1) Pounding away in her pussy like your life depended on it. Sure, some women do like hard and fast thrusting, especially those who get off with G spot stimulation, but you’d better check this out before you start hammering away, just in case she’s one of those girls who prefers gentle, romantic sex.
Mind you, if you get the foreplay right – which means about 20 minutes of cuddling, kissing and stroking, unless she’s really hot for it - she might turn into one of those girls who wants you to give it to her hard and fast.
2) Coming on her face – or for that matter any other part of her body – without checking it’s OK first. One of the truly abusive things you see in porn, all over the place, is the way men or groups of men ejaculate on some submissive woman’s face.
Come on guys, you really think that she’s in that position, being humiliated by disgusting slobs shooting their loads over her face, by choice?
It’s ridiculous to think that women appear in porn through some kind of feminist, liberated choice – they do it because they need the money, and the more desperate they are, the worse the humiliation they take.
Coming over a woman’s face isn’t an act of love, though it might be strangely pleasurable to you if you have a deep-seated anger against, hatred of, or fear of women. Just ask her if she’s up for it before you try it. Then of course, if you do find she’s keen on it, you might want to consider what her self-esteem’s like. Disclaimer: coming on some other part of her body might be fine for everyone.
3) Objectifying her, seeing her as a sex object, and not a real person. Closely linked to the consumption of porn, you gotta ask yourself how much respect you have for women if you find you’re constantly thinking of your partner as a way to relieve your sexual tensions.
How much time are you prepared to invest in getting to know her for who she really is? Are you one of those guys who does what a woman wants simply to get into her pants?
4) Not ensuring she has an orgasm. You know something? These days sexual liberation might just have gone a bit too far.
If you’re 30 or under and you’ve grown up with abundant free porn all around you on the Internet, you might have the impression that a woman will come in a screaming orgasm if you do nothing more than shove your cock into her and thrust hard for a few minutes.
If she’s not informed enough or brave enough to tell you you’re a half-assed jerk and you need to improve your sexual skills, she might never come unless she does it for herself.
So if you don’t know where the clitoris is and what it’s for, Google it right now. By the way – a horny, aroused women is a much better partner in bed than a woman who’s not turned on and who you’re just using for your own pleasure.
But you knew that anyway, didn’t you?
5) Watching porn in her presence, forcing her to watch porn with you, or acting like some kind of sullen nerd when she says she doesn’t like it.
Why so much gripe about porn? Simply because it’s all around us. And it changes us.
When scientists at the University of Montréal tried to research the effects of porn on young man, they had to abandon their study because they couldn’t find any young men who hadn’t watched porn.
The average age at which males start watching porn these days is 10. Now, do you think that’s right? Do you think 10 year old boys should be watching porn?
As it happens, the scientists concluded that men stopped watching porn which they found distasteful or offensive. (By the way, some researchers think this is simply untrue and not what is really happening now among men who watch porn.)
But I’ve got another view: I think that abusive, violent and humiliating porn erodes the humanity and morality of the guys who watch it, and that almost all men watch it because we have a strong desire for novel and different sexual experiences.
But whether or not you think I’m right, just respect the fact that a woman may not find porn quite as arousing or exciting as you do, and may even want you to stop watching it.
A woman’s greatest desire in a relationship is to be cherished and to be more important than anything or anyone else.
If you give the impression you find porn more exciting than the woman you go to bed with, you’ve got a problem, mate.
6) Not bothering to control your premature ejaculation.
So you come quickly? So what? It’s no big deal, surely? Well, only in your mind.... or in the reality that three quarters of men come within two or three minutes of penetration.
If you want to make love in a way that pleases your woman – i.e. like a real man, a man who has the ability to control himself and can choose when to ejaculate during sex – then you’d better learn something about the causes of rapid ejaculation just as soon you can!
Start by getting your head in the right place: that means you treat your woman as an equal, not some massively dominant mother figure, or some bitch you can fuck and toss aside.
Then make a decision that you’re going to control your rapid ejaculation, and make an effort to get some self-control in bed.
That way you can begin to find out what good sex is really all about.
7) Acting rough during sex without checking with her first.
Sure, plenty of women like a bit of rough play during sex. Slapping, hair pulling, even tossing her around the bed a bit, can all be good fun between consenting adults. And that’s the key word – consenting.
Start by gently tugging her hair, say, see how it goes, and if she’s into it you can up the amps a bit.
Same goes for dirty talk, by the way: she might find it arousing to be called a dirty little slut while you fuck her, but then again she might not, and you’d better make the right call if you want to get off again with her.
8 Forcing her into something that turns you on, but she finds unpleasant.
You know what, I’m mostly thinking of anal sex here, though I guess making her swallow your load when she’s giving you head might be another one to put in this category. If you want to get it up her butt, you need to talk to her about it before you get into bed and start having sex.
Trying to poke her up the ass as though it was an accident won’t cut it – after she’s done screaming with pain, she’ll probably also be done with you.
If she agrees to try it, take it slowly and find out how to do it before you start. That means plenty of lube and respecting her if she decides to stop part way through.
As for the split/swallow issue, just grow up. If she doesn’t want to take your cum in her mouth and swallow it, what the heck does it matter?
9) Never romancing her.
So you enjoyed the chase, while you were trying to get her into bed, right? But now you’ve been fucking for a few days/weeks/months, the novelty’s worn off a bit, right?
Romance is so boring…like foreplay.
Why, you wonder, can’t she just have sex without all the romance, the foreplay….?
Well, mostly because women generally need to be engaged with you emotionally before they want sex with you.
And the best way to engage with a woman is by showing her how special she is to you. Which is true, right? And that’s done by romancing her, taking the time and trouble to make her feel cherished and special.
If you do it right, she’ll want you more than you know, and the sex will be great.
10) Turning over and going to sleep afterwards.
What a cliché, eh?
Well, when a woman opens up to you, she gives you more than her body: she gives you her trust, makes herself vulnerable to you.
And anyway, sex has a more profound meaning for her than it does for you – it’s something she only gives to guys she respects or likes – that is unless she’s a porn star, or she’s been abused and now thinks of herself as a sex object.
(OK, OK, I hear you: “Women sometimes just want sex for sex’s sake.” Sure, sometimes they do. But not very often.)
Anyway, back to the point – to show her you appreciate what she’s given you, and to respect her feelings and needs, for goodness’ sake cuddle her after sex before you go to sleep.
Can you handle a sexually dominant and "forward" woman? You might think so, but reports from women suggest that there are still a heck of a lot of men who find it challenging when a woman takes the sexual initiative.
Why should this be so? The double standard runs deep in all of us: men tend to think how great it would be to have sex with a woman on the first date, but if she gives herself to us, some people think of her as "easy" or a slut.
Yet, I can assure you that women do not think of men in the same way if they seduce a man into sex on the first date, which seems hypocritical.
Here's one aspect of it....
Here's a more considered viewpoint....
Men, it is clearly ridiculous that we still seem to think that a woman who wants to sleep with a man on the first date is a slut, whereas a man who sleeps with a woman on the first day is a stud.
And anyway, you'll respect the woman you're seeing more if you wait a little while until you're physically intimate (on average men expect to have sex with a new partner for the first time on the third, fourth or fifth date).
For everybody's sake, drop this double standard right now, and wait until you've been seeing a woman awhile before you have sex with her.
And another double standard which you can drop is the belief that women divide into two camps: the sexually active woman, and the "nice girl".
Needless to say of course, the former is the legendary good time girl, and the latter is the Madonna, the mother figure, the asexual good wife and mom in society. Just change your thinking, men, and recognize that these two stereotypes are not incompatible and they can occur in the same woman.
The truth is that inside most women is a very sexual creature waiting to get out.... a women is a sexual being who is probably more sexually active and imaginative than a man..... and probably has more sexual energy, more desire to please in bed, and certainly greater knowledge of how to pleasure a man than most men ever begin to understand.....
Furthermore, if it's all right for a man to have a sexually active past, it's all right for a woman! This is, in the most human analysis, just about knowing how to pleasure your partner in a natural way.
You might want to marry a virgin, you might even want to go out on a date with a virgin, but you're not likely to find many around these days.
Sociobiologists explain the fact that a man subconsciously wants a woman with a non-sexual history as being a deep animal motivation about knowing he's the male that's fathering her children, and being sure no other male's been in there before he has.
Well, that might or might not be true, but it doesn't alter the fact that we are men with the conscious ability to overcome these prejudices and double standards no matter where they originate.
Wise up guys: you can be sexual, she can be sexual. It isn't a big deal. Or is it?
If you're a man who's threatened by a sexually dominant woman, one who knows fully how to take her pleasure from physical intimacy, then two things are likely to happen: you're likely to search out women who tend to the passive side, and you're probably going to be somewhat insecure if you do happen to get into bed with a woman who turns out to be a sexual tiger.
Of course, most men think this will be exciting, and they are right - but it is also intimidating, and can frighten a man if he is not sexually confident.
For the sexually confident man, nothing is scary - not female orgasm, not female ejaculation, not screaming female orgasms.... and not sexual exploration with a dominant woman!
If you think your current girl might be one of those, that's even more reason to delay having sex until you know the woman as a friend, and you've established a little bit of emotional intimacy to support you through your first encounter in bed.
The bottom line: don't question how many lovers she's had, at least not until you know her quite well. Develop trust so that you can discuss these matters with her from your heart without making judgments about her.
Just get over the fact that she had a life with other men before she met you.
Above all, don't question her morality, just as you wouldn't expect her to question yours. The double standard is outdated, inappropriate, and unhelpful.
For some men, the issue of being in bed with a dominant woman has deeper implications -- to put it bluntly, they can't get it up when it matters.
To think that a man can be so threatened by a woman's sexuality as to be unable to get an erection is quite shocking.
But I can assure you from my work with men that it's quite common. And you know what? It isn't even your fault if this happens to you: it's the product of what you've learned about the roles of men and women in society, in relationship, and particularly in the bedroom.
However, it is your responsibility to do something about it. A man without an erection needs to get it back for the sake of his self-esteem.
The first thing is to accept that a woman can be just as sexual as a man, that she needs sex just as much as you do, and that she is capable of enjoying it just as much as you do.
It's not fair to see women as being less sexual than men: sometimes that's true, sometimes it isn't.
What's more often true is that women hide their sexuality, or may not even be aware of it themselves, because society has taught them that good girls don't feel sexual.
The next thing you can do is lie back and enjoy it! If you find that difficult then there's plenty of advice on the page about how to pleasure a woman.